The 8 Steps Of A True Bonk

I Bonked. There, I said it. I went for a bike ride and finished feeling like all happiness had been sucked from my soul. It happens to all of us at one point or another. You get all excited to push the limits of your body and come back only to realize that Netflix was invented to make sure no one EVER has to endure that type of torture. Seriously, what sounds better: 19 episodes of Community or finishing a 165km bike ride not knowing what country you started in or your middle name. After completing the Tour de Bloom a few weekends back and experiencing one of the worst mid race bonks I have ever had, I thought I would explain to you what truly happens during a bonk.

Stage 1: Its ok.

The race starts. You are happy, confident and full of hope and joy. There is nothing in the world that could be better. Your brain thinks you are going to win.

Stage 2: What did I have for diner?

10 km in and you realize that kale salad was probably not the best idea to have the night before a long road race. Maybe it won't be so bad? I did have a cinnamon bun for breakfast…

Stage 3: Something is off

Hmmmmm. I've only been riding for 45 minutes but I feel like having a nap. My legs aren't very interested in pushing down on pedals today. It's ok, ill ignore that, eat some power bars, and save the day.

Stage 4: The day won't be saved

Power bars have no effect on what is happening. You slowly start to acknowledge that today is about to turn into a long one. Kind of like when you jump out of the plane to start skydiving, except you forgot a parachute. Its a long way down and there isn't much you can do about it.

Stage 5: Rage Machine

Why am I here? Who invented this dumb sport? Silly hills, all like "sometimes I got up, sometime I go down". Hills are the worst. WHY IS THIS ROAD SO LONG!!!???? The only thing that should live out here is small rodents and Justin Bieber. I hate everything…..

Stage 6: Please pity me. 

Im just a poor cyclist and all I want to do is crawl into a McDonalds and order all of the fries. Why does't anyone understand how hard my life is? Would anyone even notice if I rode my bike deep into those woods, built a house of sticks and lived with my pet deer? Probably not. 

Stage 7: Light at the end of the tunnel 

It feels like you started the bike race about 3 millenniums ago. You can't remember what warmth or happiness feels like, but you start to realize that the end is near. A faint glimmer of hope creeps into your heart and there is now a small sliver of you that believes you are going to make it. You start feeling like E.T at the end of the movie. Riding your bike into the sky. Im coming home now. 

Stage 8: Its over

I cross the finish line and step off the bike. This is what astronauts feel like after months of space travel. My legs are shaking, I'm tired of eating food that comes in a bag, and all I really want to do is hug something. The comfort of another human being that understands what I just went through. 

There you have it. The steps of bonking. Its funny the things you go through just to finish a bike race isn't it? Now, as long as I learn from my mistakes and remember to never do that again…. Wait. Does anyone want to go for a big bike ride? Ill bring 10 jelly beans and see how far we can make it. 

Its been "0" days since the last Bonk in this work place